A measuring rod is an object that has a constant proper length.
Start with the simple example of a ruler in Euclidean space. If we place one end of the ruler at the origin then the other end will be at some point $(\Delta x, \Delta y, \Delta z)$, where obviously the position will depend on the length and orientation of the ruler. The length of the rod, $s$, is given by Pythagoras' theorem:
$$ s^2 = \Delta x^2 + \Delta y^2 + \Delta z^2 \tag{1} $$
Now switch to special relativity. The ends of the rod are now at points in spacetime, $(t, x, y, z)$. Once again we place one end of the rod at the origin so the other end of the rod is at $(\Delta t, \Delta x, \Delta y, \Delta z)$. The length of the rod is now given by the Minkowski metric:
$$ s^2 = -\Delta t^2 + \Delta x^2 + \Delta y^2 + \Delta z^2 \tag{2} $$
This quantity $s$ is called the proper length and it's an invarient, that is all observers will agree on its value.
In the rest frame of the rod both ends have the same time coordinate so $\Delta t = 0$. In that case equations (1) and (2) for $s$ are the same i.e. in the rest frame of the measuring rod its proper length is the same as its length in Euclidean space, hence the name.
In general relativity life is more complicated because the proper length has to be calculated by integrating the expression:
$$ ds^2 = g_{\mu\nu}dx^\mu dx^\nu $$
where $g_{\mu\nu}$ is the metric that describes the geometry of whatever spacetime you're working in.
Now back to the specific points you raise in your question:
In your questions (1) and (2) you mention pairs of distinct participants. If we take this to mean pairs of spacetime points then those pairs form a useful measuring rod if they have a constant proper length. Basically this means there has to be an inertial frame in which both points are stationary and remain stationary. If the points really are the ends of a rod then of course this condition is satisfied in the rest frame of the rod (assuming the rod isn't made of something stretchy).
Your question (3) is somewhat subtle. If we can measure the positions of the ends of the two rods in our coordinate system then we can calculate the proper length, and if we calculate the same proper length for both rods we would consider them to be the same length. But if the rods are moving with respect to each other then they have different rest frames and in all but one inertial frames their "length" calculated with equation (1) will be different. The frame where they have the same length is the frame in which the rods have equal but opposite velocities, but even in this frame the length calculated using (1) won't be the same as the length in the rest frame of either rod.