You are right that relativistic mass is just another name for total energy (mass-energy + kinetic-energy). This is why most physicists no longer user the term relativistic mass as it is redundant and causes confusion.
To answer your question about gravity, let's imagine a star with a planet in orbit around it. There are two physicists observing this solar system in two different spaceships: one is at rest with respect to the star near a point in the planet's orbit, the other is traveling at high speed past the system. They both have clocks to measure the period of the planet's orbit. Due to time dilation, the stationary physicist will measure a shorter period than the moving physicist since, in the high-speed physicist's frame, the star and planet are moving, and so move through time more slowly.
But, from the high-speed physicist's perspective, the star and planet are moving at high speed. If relativistic mass affected the gravitational force, then we should expect the period of the planet to be shorter, since the mass of the star would be greater:
$$T = \sqrt{\frac{4\pi r^3}{GM}}$$
where $T$ is the orbital period, $r$ is the radius of the circular orbit, $G$ is the gravitational constant, and $M$ is the mass of the star.
Increase the speed of the frame to arbitrarily close to the speed of light, and the planet's orbit gets shorter and shorter, even as time dilation should cause the planet to move slower and slower. This contradiction tells us that relativistic mass can't affect gravity.
For a second example, imagine the planet orbits a black hole. From a viewpoint at rest with respect to the black hole, the planet is fine. From a high speed perspective, the black hole's relativistic mass increases, increasing its size. At a high enough speed, the black hole is large enough that it swallows the planet. Meanwhile, the planet is still fine from the stationary perspective. Again, relativistic mass cannot affect gravity.