At what height should I drop my kids from to prevent getting splashed? Today as I was performing my morning biological ritual, "dropping the kids off at the pool" and what not, the cold kiss of Poseidon on my behind inspired an idea for an experiment. What is the ideal height to poop in a toilet bowl to prevent splashing?
There and then, I set up a scientific experiment.
Trial # 1: I lowered the "factory's" height-above-water by a few inches. I thought "surely the lowered height will cause the falling logs to gain less total kinetic energy during their shorter journey to the bottom, thereby reducing the splash height". Unfortunately, while the splash height may have been lower, the factory was also lower, so Poseidon got me.
Trial # 2: Then I raised the factory height, thinking "if I raise the height, the bog water won't reach!". Unfortunately, my hypothesis was wrong again. Poseidon got me once more. I quickly deduced that a higher drop height meant more kinetic energy, which led to a taller splash. But this trail might have been flawed; I think the log had slightly more mass that time.
Therefore, I realized that this is more complex than I originally imagined, and it probably requires multivariable calculus to solve - something I was never good at. So instead, I wanted to continue through the trial-and-error route. I sat on the can for another 10 minutes, but alas, I'd run out of artillery, so the experiment will continue tomorrow.
However, I figured that by asking here, I can increase the sample size by encouraging more trials among all of you. Or perhaps there is a physicist who can help deduce the ideal height (AKA, at what drop height above the water will there be the largest gap between the drop height and the splash?).
 A: Although this is not strictly an answer to your original question, I might remark that drop height is not the only variable that determines Poseidon's response aka fluid flow. Also shape plays a very important role, as you might have experienced while carrying a plasterboard before you during a ride on your bike back home from the hardware store.
We know that a streamlined body ("drop shape") exposes quite low a resistance to the surrounding fluid (it has a low drag coefficient). This will cause less of the water in your john to be set in motion, which will also lower ejection into the direction of your bottom as a consequence.
One thing you might also consider is the fact that, although you cannot control the velocity of your "logs" in free fall, longer turds still adhere to the outlet and hence, their velocity is largely determined by friction between the former and the latter.
The relationships from the last two paragraphs should open up a multitude of possibilities for influencing the impact by controlling your musculus sphincter, musculus rectus abdominis and musculus pyramidalis. Also, nutrition and drinking habits might have a significant influence on excretion consistency. Some things you could try: onions, coffee, cabbage, eggs, etc., you get the idea.
Disclaimer: this is not a medical advice. Be sure to see a doctor before experimenting with your body.
